To be young and full of false confidence and a completely unearned big ego:
Anyone who has spent literally countless minutes reading my entries knows it has been awhile since I touched my blog. Well, rest assured I have been touching other things in that time. I know it has been over nine months since my last entry but I feel the time away has given us both a chance to grow - me as a writer and you as a blog reader person. Some will claim that in the last nine months has seen my writing grow more sarcastic, hateful, spiteful, resentful, and many other -fuls. This simply is not true. Our time apart has allowed me to find my voice as a writer, and for my word play and witty observations to spring forth triumphantly from my pen or fingertips in a glorious fashion usually reserved for only the most prolific and gifted verbal craftsmen. To those who claim I have turned bitter, the exact opposite is true and I implore to read my postings in the coming days. For those who stlll insist on the growing hate in my writing, I can say only that you smell. And you are probably a very fat person. So fat, in fact, that it distracts people from your raging anti-Semitisim. And I hate you, very, very much.
But enough about what me, the writer, and you, the reader, have put doing with ourselves the last nine months. The real reason I am writing is to let you know that I am less than a week away from starting my last semester of college. My immediate plans involve marrying a Texas oil tycoon with a penchant for half-Jews with fluctuating waist lines. While I plan on making writing and the whiskey that gives me the courage to do so the central part of my life, it will have to be put on hold for awhile (My future tycoon believes sarcastic quips are not the place for his little lady. He is short on affection, but big on tradition).
Anyways, as some of you know, during the Fall 2006 semester I wrote a weekly opinion column for Boston University's Daily Free Press. It ran on Page 3 on Mondays under the title "Senior Thesis." Though it ran under my pen name Willem Malkovich, I still received mostly positive feedback from people whose opinions I respect very much. Now to be honest, not everyone liked it. But to be fair those who did not like it, they were and likely still are idiots, so the blame can hardly fall to them. As a way to introduce the column to those who never read it or to catch up those who fell behind, I will be re-posting my 6 favorite columns in this blog over the next 5 days. The columns will be posted in the chronological order in which they were published. Please give me your feedback on them, and do not be afraid to tell me you hate them, because, well, I hate them too. Self-loathing is the fuel that feeds my half-Jewish fire. Here is the day on which each article will run:
Wednesday, January 10: Making Senioritis Last Year-Round, Originally published on 9/18/06
Thursday, January 11: How to Avoid Post-College Employment, Originally published on 10/23/06
Friday, January 12: Previewing the Upcoming National Elections. Originally published on 10/30/06
Saturday, January 13: Introducing the "Old School" Trend, Originally published on 11/6/06
Sunday, January 14: Religion and Gay-Marriage Go Hand-in-Hand, Originally published on 11/20/06
Monday, January 15: Saying Goodbye with some help from Abe, JFK, MLK and RFK, Originally published on 12/11/06
Thank you in advance for your time.
The first column I am posting is in fact the first column that was published. I originally wrote it in August and submitted it to MyBlotto.com as in attempt to become a weekly columnist. It was rejected, however, and I like to think not having my smiling face on its website once a week contributed greatly to the site's demise. When it came time a month later to submit samples to the Daily Free Press I only needed to make minor changes to make it more BU specific. As you will notice it is the only article I include from the first month, but I will have more on the reason why in the coming days. Please enjoy.
FELPER: Successfully sustaining Senioritis
As the days grow shorter, the temperatures cooler and sneaking beer into your parent's basement gives way to sneaking beer into West Campus and Warren Towers, thousands of students are returning to Boston University as seniors. With them come the usual worries of sexually transmitted diseases, binge drinking and the attempts of Virginia's George Allen to get his United States Senate campaign back on track. Lost amongst these concerns, however, is a problem that gets little attention from mainstream media outlets such as CollegeHumor.com, Facebook profiles and Sports Illustrated on Campus. It is a disease that afflicts the lazy and unmotivated alike, providing its victims with an excuse for poor grades and missed opportunities when defending themselves to their parents, future employers and their own conscience. It is a disease that does not have the cute connation of the "Kissing Disease," but is not as socially crippling as the ones they give you penicillin for at the campus clinic. The disease is Senioritis.
Senioritis plagues roughly 112% of college seniors every spring. Known for its ability to cause sudden bouts of doing nothing, followed by prolonged periods of not showering, watching "That 70's Show" reruns and not showering some more, the affliction has hit our own Charles River Campus with the same cliché¤ and irritating zeal as HSS (Hooded Sweatshirt Syndrome) and AIODCILJTATCOOEBYFNTYD (Awful Impression of Dave Chappelle Imitating Lil' Jon That Annoys the Crap Out of Everyone But Your Friend Next To You Disease). In an attempt to help seniors' better grapple with the Senioritis, a panel of expert college seniors, who were going to do a scientific study but then that episode of "The Simpsons" when Homer becomes the Isotopes mascot came on, believes Senioritis is centralized too greatly in the spring semester. Oftentimes, seniors returning from Winter Break are inundated with pressure to cram a lifetime's worth of fun in to the last four months of college. This can cause a sensory overload, leading to heavy spending, heavy drinking and knowing the words to Stefani Eyed Peas song.
Fortunately, there is a solution to protect your wallet, liver and good taste. Seniors need to spread Senioritis to their fall semester, providing a healthy balance between time wasted and time spent doing nothing constructive throughout the year. Why cram your desperation to fight off the real world into one semester? Far too many fall nights are wasted on Camus and Kierkegaard while Stewart and Colbert go dangerously unwatched. With that in mind, I offer a few helpful hints to college seniors on the successful contracting of Senioritis at the outset of the year:
Pace Yourself: Many people believe the early bird catches the worm, but who wants a worm when you can sleep for an extra two, three or nine hours. You may be tempted to start the year with a bang academically and get caught in the trap of doing work each night, but a mid-September burn out will be your only reward. Atticus Finch's strong sense of morality will read the same in mid-December as it does in early-September, and when read at five pages a night it will be a daily reward for somehow surviving those two harrowing hours between "The Golden Girls" and "The Drew Carey Show." Periods of sporadic work interrupted by regular periods of napping, bar hopping everywhere from the Dugout to the Kell's on Monday nights and skipping your 9 a.m. lecture on alternate weeks are the keys to pacing yourself and your Senioritis. You can't get all your reading done in one week or all your partying done in one night, so make sure to do both one step at a time. Remember, Rome was not built in a day, but there is no reason your midterm paper about it cannot be written the night before.
Procrastinate: Along with pacing yourself, procrastination is the key to maintaining your Senioritis for an entire year. Why study now when you feel you can get just as good a grade studying the night before the exam, despite your professor suggests. Procrastination allows you to live in the moment and savior the good life you would have to wait 24 hours to experience if you chose to do your work that night. Your history paper due in two weeks will still be there in 13 days, but Dane Cook on The Daily Show is only on tonight at 11 p.m. tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. tomorrow 2 p.m. and tomorrow night at 8pm.
Sleep Late, Sleep Often: Do not try to be a hero and get by on less than 11 hours sleep. An entire year of Senioritis is no small feat. In keeping a regular sleep schedule of 3 a.m.-2 p.m. you will be prepared for those spring months when the sun shines brighter in your window and wakes you up. Your body and your Senioritis will thank you.
These are just a few tips to help get your year started. If you know of other ways to avoid responsibility and schoolwork, by all means, employ them.
If Senioritis has not yet affected you or someone you love, turn on TBS and contact your local Allston/Brighton Domino's deliveryman. Together we can get through this disease one "Seinfeld" rerun and one day old pizza at a time.
Anyone who has spent literally countless minutes reading my entries knows it has been awhile since I touched my blog. Well, rest assured I have been touching other things in that time. I know it has been over nine months since my last entry but I feel the time away has given us both a chance to grow - me as a writer and you as a blog reader person. Some will claim that in the last nine months has seen my writing grow more sarcastic, hateful, spiteful, resentful, and many other -fuls. This simply is not true. Our time apart has allowed me to find my voice as a writer, and for my word play and witty observations to spring forth triumphantly from my pen or fingertips in a glorious fashion usually reserved for only the most prolific and gifted verbal craftsmen. To those who claim I have turned bitter, the exact opposite is true and I implore to read my postings in the coming days. For those who stlll insist on the growing hate in my writing, I can say only that you smell. And you are probably a very fat person. So fat, in fact, that it distracts people from your raging anti-Semitisim. And I hate you, very, very much.
But enough about what me, the writer, and you, the reader, have put doing with ourselves the last nine months. The real reason I am writing is to let you know that I am less than a week away from starting my last semester of college. My immediate plans involve marrying a Texas oil tycoon with a penchant for half-Jews with fluctuating waist lines. While I plan on making writing and the whiskey that gives me the courage to do so the central part of my life, it will have to be put on hold for awhile (My future tycoon believes sarcastic quips are not the place for his little lady. He is short on affection, but big on tradition).
Anyways, as some of you know, during the Fall 2006 semester I wrote a weekly opinion column for Boston University's Daily Free Press. It ran on Page 3 on Mondays under the title "Senior Thesis." Though it ran under my pen name Willem Malkovich, I still received mostly positive feedback from people whose opinions I respect very much. Now to be honest, not everyone liked it. But to be fair those who did not like it, they were and likely still are idiots, so the blame can hardly fall to them. As a way to introduce the column to those who never read it or to catch up those who fell behind, I will be re-posting my 6 favorite columns in this blog over the next 5 days. The columns will be posted in the chronological order in which they were published. Please give me your feedback on them, and do not be afraid to tell me you hate them, because, well, I hate them too. Self-loathing is the fuel that feeds my half-Jewish fire. Here is the day on which each article will run:
Wednesday, January 10: Making Senioritis Last Year-Round, Originally published on 9/18/06
Thursday, January 11: How to Avoid Post-College Employment, Originally published on 10/23/06
Friday, January 12: Previewing the Upcoming National Elections. Originally published on 10/30/06
Saturday, January 13: Introducing the "Old School" Trend, Originally published on 11/6/06
Sunday, January 14: Religion and Gay-Marriage Go Hand-in-Hand, Originally published on 11/20/06
Monday, January 15: Saying Goodbye with some help from Abe, JFK, MLK and RFK, Originally published on 12/11/06
Thank you in advance for your time.
The first column I am posting is in fact the first column that was published. I originally wrote it in August and submitted it to MyBlotto.com as in attempt to become a weekly columnist. It was rejected, however, and I like to think not having my smiling face on its website once a week contributed greatly to the site's demise. When it came time a month later to submit samples to the Daily Free Press I only needed to make minor changes to make it more BU specific. As you will notice it is the only article I include from the first month, but I will have more on the reason why in the coming days. Please enjoy.
FELPER: Successfully sustaining Senioritis
As the days grow shorter, the temperatures cooler and sneaking beer into your parent's basement gives way to sneaking beer into West Campus and Warren Towers, thousands of students are returning to Boston University as seniors. With them come the usual worries of sexually transmitted diseases, binge drinking and the attempts of Virginia's George Allen to get his United States Senate campaign back on track. Lost amongst these concerns, however, is a problem that gets little attention from mainstream media outlets such as CollegeHumor.com, Facebook profiles and Sports Illustrated on Campus. It is a disease that afflicts the lazy and unmotivated alike, providing its victims with an excuse for poor grades and missed opportunities when defending themselves to their parents, future employers and their own conscience. It is a disease that does not have the cute connation of the "Kissing Disease," but is not as socially crippling as the ones they give you penicillin for at the campus clinic. The disease is Senioritis.
Senioritis plagues roughly 112% of college seniors every spring. Known for its ability to cause sudden bouts of doing nothing, followed by prolonged periods of not showering, watching "That 70's Show" reruns and not showering some more, the affliction has hit our own Charles River Campus with the same cliché¤ and irritating zeal as HSS (Hooded Sweatshirt Syndrome) and AIODCILJTATCOOEBYFNTYD (Awful Impression of Dave Chappelle Imitating Lil' Jon That Annoys the Crap Out of Everyone But Your Friend Next To You Disease). In an attempt to help seniors' better grapple with the Senioritis, a panel of expert college seniors, who were going to do a scientific study but then that episode of "The Simpsons" when Homer becomes the Isotopes mascot came on, believes Senioritis is centralized too greatly in the spring semester. Oftentimes, seniors returning from Winter Break are inundated with pressure to cram a lifetime's worth of fun in to the last four months of college. This can cause a sensory overload, leading to heavy spending, heavy drinking and knowing the words to Stefani Eyed Peas song.
Fortunately, there is a solution to protect your wallet, liver and good taste. Seniors need to spread Senioritis to their fall semester, providing a healthy balance between time wasted and time spent doing nothing constructive throughout the year. Why cram your desperation to fight off the real world into one semester? Far too many fall nights are wasted on Camus and Kierkegaard while Stewart and Colbert go dangerously unwatched. With that in mind, I offer a few helpful hints to college seniors on the successful contracting of Senioritis at the outset of the year:
Pace Yourself: Many people believe the early bird catches the worm, but who wants a worm when you can sleep for an extra two, three or nine hours. You may be tempted to start the year with a bang academically and get caught in the trap of doing work each night, but a mid-September burn out will be your only reward. Atticus Finch's strong sense of morality will read the same in mid-December as it does in early-September, and when read at five pages a night it will be a daily reward for somehow surviving those two harrowing hours between "The Golden Girls" and "The Drew Carey Show." Periods of sporadic work interrupted by regular periods of napping, bar hopping everywhere from the Dugout to the Kell's on Monday nights and skipping your 9 a.m. lecture on alternate weeks are the keys to pacing yourself and your Senioritis. You can't get all your reading done in one week or all your partying done in one night, so make sure to do both one step at a time. Remember, Rome was not built in a day, but there is no reason your midterm paper about it cannot be written the night before.
Procrastinate: Along with pacing yourself, procrastination is the key to maintaining your Senioritis for an entire year. Why study now when you feel you can get just as good a grade studying the night before the exam, despite your professor suggests. Procrastination allows you to live in the moment and savior the good life you would have to wait 24 hours to experience if you chose to do your work that night. Your history paper due in two weeks will still be there in 13 days, but Dane Cook on The Daily Show is only on tonight at 11 p.m. tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. tomorrow 2 p.m. and tomorrow night at 8pm.
Sleep Late, Sleep Often: Do not try to be a hero and get by on less than 11 hours sleep. An entire year of Senioritis is no small feat. In keeping a regular sleep schedule of 3 a.m.-2 p.m. you will be prepared for those spring months when the sun shines brighter in your window and wakes you up. Your body and your Senioritis will thank you.
These are just a few tips to help get your year started. If you know of other ways to avoid responsibility and schoolwork, by all means, employ them.
If Senioritis has not yet affected you or someone you love, turn on TBS and contact your local Allston/Brighton Domino's deliveryman. Together we can get through this disease one "Seinfeld" rerun and one day old pizza at a time.
posted by Andrew Felper | 8:43 PM
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